Friday, January 8, 2010

#fridayflash: Infamy

By Lily Mulholland

You had always wanted to be famous. At thirty-seven, with two kids and stretch marks, you thought you’d missed your chance. That was until a chance incident made you the most famous woman in the world in the short space of forty-eight hours.

What had started as a headline beloved by sub-editors of newspapers quickly became the story of the year, with interview requests rolling in from around the country. As exponents of new media awoke to their multiple news feeds, you started receiving calls from all over Europe, and, several hours later, the United States, Canada, and a ragtag bunch of South American countries. You even took a call from a news outlet in Karachi. You were big news on the sub-continent! Fortunately your melting mobile phone was saved by a call from Max Wiltshire, mega-PR to the stars. He offered to take you on for the special cut-rate fee of twenty per cent of your earnings. You were clearly out of your depth and Max offered to handle everything on your behalf. Although you later discovered his fee structure was reprehensible, you were nonetheless pleased to hand over your media responsibilities to someone of his vast experience, and girth.

You shudder at the mention of body shape. That’s what started this media hurricane. You were walking along the street on one of your rare days away from the kids, swinging your shopping bags containing loot from an even rarer retail therapy session when bammo! Looming before you was a man wider than he was tall, his belly bulging against the yellow cotton of his polo shirt, attempting a daring escape. This was a belly that moved to its own rhythm; a tummy that could influence tides. As he lumbered closer, you saw it. He had an outtie. You were swept away with the moment and before you could stop yourself your free hand reached out, forefinger extended and you poked that protruding belly button.

The man’s face registered shock and surprise for the nanosecond of time that hung suspended between you both before he exploded. Fleshy shrapnel coated you, your shopping bags, the pavement and buildings to the left of you. The duco of cars parked against the curb would never be the same again. And neither would you, forever more known as the Belly Button Bomber. You always wanted to be famous.

24 comments:

  1. Lol, has a slight pythonesque feel to it, good stuff

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  2. "A tummy that could influence tides" - love that line!

    Was he a suicide bomber?

    marc nash

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  3. Oh, well done!

    Laughed a lot at Belly Button Bomber sobriquet.

    I imagine many people would be inclined to push that "outie" in... :)

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  4. What a way to become famous! Loved the lines describing his belly. That would be an irresistable urge to push the button! :)

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  5. HAHA - this one is great. No dialogue, always building. . . and then BAM! (literally, I guess!)

    I want to be famous too. . . who's got an outtie I can poke????

    :)

    Jim

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  6. I thought he was going to fly away like an untied balloon but blowing up was way grosser. So therefore better. Nero Wolfe favored yellow shirts stretched over his amazing girth...so I just pictured Nero. But then I had to stop because blowing up Nero Wolfe would just be wrong. Don't ask me why. It just would. I enjoyed your unbridled poking. Thank you for sharing.

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  7. That's brilliant. Surreal and laugh out loud funny. Great read Lily.

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  8. Hilarious. You held the tension throughout. Still giggling over the final line. "The Belly Button Bomber" indeed.

    I like how you demythologise the trappings of fame, too.

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  9. So, what does a belly button bomber make these days? I'm wondering what 20% of the cut is.

    This was hilarious. :)

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  10. What a way to become famous! Funny story!

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  11. Read this before making dinner but I'm still giggling, very funny story, loved it's originality!

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  12. hehe! I could just see the big yellow belly coming at her, her poke moving in slow motion. Halirious! Thanks for the giggle :-)

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  13. Right. I was all set to come her and offer some constructive criticism. Then I read your piece and it's pretty tight.

    You used chance twice in the first paragraph, which looks a little redundant. That's it.

    Loved the imagery. Really vivid. I have this playing in my head like a cartoon now.

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  14. I'm with Laura. What a way to become famous!

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  15. I had no idea this story would end up as it does. Wow. And all because of an outtie obsession. Oodles of surreal fun... Peace, Linda

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  16. Love it! Short and to the point, intriguing from the very start. Nice work, Lily! xxxk

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  17. Thanks everyone! This came to me when I was washing the dishes after a day out shopping...yes, I saw a rather large man with an outtie...and I wondered...

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  18. I loved this!!

    I must say that is a MUCH cooler claim to fame than having appeared on some reality TV abomination :-)

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  19. LOL! That was really funny! Had no idea where this one was going!

    I say, it is about time men get their bellies poked after all the pregnant women get their bellies touched in public by strangers.

    But I won't be the one doing it!

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  20. "a belly that moved to its own rhythm" classic!
    This had a nice pythonistic quality that made me laugh! Well done.
    Write On,

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  21. woah... Pretty tight. The belly description is fun.

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  22. [snorts coffee] This was good to read this morning. I'm late to the party of course, but I see it's still in full-swing.

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  23. Ha! Great read. I'm jealous of the command of funny and absurd you show in this one :)

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I love reading comments so please do leave one! I would also appreciate your constructive criticism - life is a learning journey and I'm enjoying learning a lot about my writing.