Friday, October 9, 2009

#Fridayflash: Dental Check

By Lily Mulholland

Eddie eased himself back in the chair. The squeaking noises coming from under his backside took him back to childhood, when his mother had literally forced him to come. She had peeled his fingers from the car door one afternoon and tanned his hide with such emphasis that Eddie never did it again.

‘Comfortable?’ peeped the dental assistant.

‘Ah, yeah, sure,’ he said. He was clearly uncomfortable – his nails were digging trenches in the vinyl armrests.

‘Great,’ she chirped. ‘I’ll go and let Dr Ron know that you’re ready. Back in a jiffy.’

‘Okayay.’ Eddie found himself unconsciously mimicking her singsong voice.

He stared up at the ceiling, taking in the thoughtfully placed laminated pictures of waterfalls and beach scenes. He realised he was holding his breath and made an effort to try to breathe normally. That made him think of the time Fiona had tried to teach him one of her new age breathing techniques she’d picked up at yoga. Or was it pilates? He couldn’t remember. She’d tried to convince him to meditate before he went to sleep. He’d rather have just fucked her – his favourite stress relief technique. Fiona, on the other hand, loved sex but it didn’t put her to sleep. It got her thinking, usually about what Eddie was thinking about.

‘You have to breathe in through your left nostril and out through your right,’ she’d said.

‘Are you pulling my leg?’

‘No Eddie, I’m trying to help you. Now concentrate.’

Eddie tried and to his complete amazement he found that he could actually do it.

‘I’m doing it Fiona!’

‘Good boy, Eddie,’ she’d said, her voice tinged with the slightest hint of sarcasm. ‘Now keep it going for the next ten minutes.’

Eddie was asleep in two. Fiona had pretty much given up after that. He hadn’t seen her in a while. He tried to remember how long it had been.

Eddie’s reminiscences were interrupted by the arrival of Dr Ron, in whose wake followed Chirpy and possibly her sister, Tweety.

‘Hello Mr Andresen!’ Dr Ron spoke in exclamation marks.

‘How are we today?’ And the ‘royal we’.

‘Fine thanks,’ mumbled Eddie. He wasn’t one for small talk.

‘So, we’re in for a root canal, eh?’ asked Dr Ron.


‘Well, I’d like to say it won’t hurt a bit, but I’d be lying!’

Eddie watched on as Tweedledum and Tweedledee buzzed around Dr Ron, fitting him with new gloves, a mask and goggles, laying out equipment on trays, and filling two large syringes with what he hoped was the good stuff.

Dr Ron seated himself and spun around with a flourish towards Eddie. He pulled the light down close over Eddie’s face.

‘Open wide!’

Eddie opened his mouth and closed his eyes. His fingers were interlocked across his chest, a tight bridge of knuckles. He tried to think of something relaxing as Dr Ron stuffed several cotton wads into Eddie’s right cheek. He settled on Fiona’s breasts. They really were something. That creamy white skin with two perfect little strawberries. He felt a familiar warm feeling in his pants until the prick of the steel needle in his gum killed it dead.

He’d already had a root canal on the left side, performed by a no-nonsense army dentist last year. Since he’d got out he’d had to pay for his own dental work. That had been a shock. So here he was, subjected to the blindingly white smiles of Dr Ron and his two bimbettes.

The smell of anaesthetic was overpowering and making him feel sick. Eddie watched as Dr Ron withdrew the needle and asked Chirpy for the second one. Dr Ron hovered the needle over the insertion point on the inside of the gum.

‘Are we okay?’

Eddie tried to say no, but with a face full of cotton and half a fist already in his mouth, it came out as a tortured kind of assent. Dr Ron pushed the needle deep into the gum. Eddie passed out.


‘Welcome back Mr Andresen.’

Eddie heard Chirpy’s voice.

‘You’ve been asleep for quite some time.’

Eddie tried to open his eyes, but the lids felt so heavy.

Eddie’s tongue felt its way along the teeth on the bottom right side of his gum. Everything felt normal, apart from the inevitable bruising. He tried to bring his hand up to rub his jaw, but he couldn’t lift his hand. Either hand. Eddie tried again and realised that his four limbs were held fast in restraints.

‘What the fuck?’

‘I’m afraid you’re in no state to go anywhere Mr Andresen.’ The voice had taken on a different tone.

Eddie tried to open his eyes again. He half succeeded. Enough to see that he was no longer in Dr Ron’s rooms, but was in a large oval shaped room devoid of any furniture other than the bed he was in.

‘What the hell is going on?’

‘We’ve harvested your X chromosomes Mr Andresen.’

‘My what?’

‘Your sperm Mr Andresen. But only those carrying the X chromosome. We require them for our breeding program.’

‘Breeding program?’

‘We have completed phase one of our absorption program and taken sufficient breeders for our start-up requirements. A major undertaking, but suitable young women were easily sourced by Dr Ron.’

‘We are now in phase two. We require human X chromosomes to mate with ours. Once mated, the embryos will be implanted into the breeders, creating the perfect beings.’

Eddie’s head was spinning.

‘Perfect beings? What the fucking hell are you talking about?’

‘It’s not important. You have served your purpose. Once you are fully recovered, you’ll be returned to your apartment. Don’t bother talking to the authorities. Your army medical file has been altered to show you were discharged due to paranoid delusion.’

Eddie stared at Chirpy with her sickening white smile. It was only then that he was struck with the terrifying thought of how exactly they’d stolen his sperm.


  1. Sorry did that just end the way I think it did?? lol. Nice descriptive prose all the way through and a nice, bizarre slightly erotic sci-fi twist at the end - still smiling now.

  2. It's not enough for you to set your story in a dentist office. Oh no, you have to go and add some freaky sperm harvesting too.

    This was an absolutely fun read. I enjoyed it completely.

  3. Oh, poor guy! The ultimate horror trip to the dentist becomes even worse. Great job, Lily! I'm still shuddering.

  4. If going to the dentist was not bad enough already!

  5. Tweedledum and Tweedledee buzzed - I love the names you used for all these alien sperm harvesting dental folk. I DID NOT see the end coming. Oh man.


  6. Wow Lily....great! I enjoyed reading that! I'll be back for more!

  7. Ok, Lily, I have a dental appointment in one week. THANKS, lol!

    Great story!

    So glad I'm not a male and that my dentist is not named Dr. Ron.

    Though his assistant IS rather chirpy...

  8. LOL - glad you are enjoying this story. Poor Eddie, as if a trip to the dentist wasn't bad enough!

  9. HA! You're mmixing genres and jobs and all kinds of great stuff here! LOVED then ending. I'll never view super-white smiles quite the same again!

    Exclamations in honor of your fabulous dentist!
    Peace! Linda!

  10. It started out so funny! I was laughing out loud then, blam. This is one twisted tale, and a hoot!.

  11. X Files goes to the dentist's!
    Fabulous :)

  12. Funny and creepy and that ending...... The fact that they can do all this AND alter his military records givews a sense of a huge operation. Great stuff.

  13. Very fun story to read. Thought it was going to be enough of a horror story by being set at the dentist office, but you took it even further. Excellent job!

  14. This goes from mundane to creepy to silly. That's a heck of a journey for micro-fiction. Thanks for taking me on it, Ms. Mulholland!

  15. Got milked? By Chirpy and Tweety, no less! Fun story.

  16. I didn't see the end coming. Great story. Funny and kind of creepy at the same time. Isn't it true that people are always so disgustingly perfect and happy when you are in the most compromising of positions?

  17. Well that was a great way to start my Saturday morning!
    Very nicely done. I fell hook line and sinker.
    Poor Eddy!
    Karen :0)

  18. A story with some real bite to it (sorry, couldn't resist). Seriously, "The Prisoner" was a story with some real bite to it.

    Jeesh, I'd better quit now.

    Two thumbs up - Let them live!

  19. I mean, this guy would have just freely donated, don't you think, if Tweety or Twirpy just kind of wiggled around for him a bit, eh? And what a strange X-chromosome collection mechanism, targeting people who need root canals. I just had one last fall. Hey, I wonder if I had anything taken from me. You've got me paranoid now! And delusional. I hope they've changed my records.

    You took us on a good ride. That's always a good thing for a story to do.

    Jeff Posey

  20. What is with you people and dentists! A couple weeks ago I had the prep work done for a new crown and Michael Solender gives us The Patient Will See You Now. This week I go in for the actual crown and you give me Bimbos From the Death Dentist! Ahhhh. Fortunately they did not put me under, either time. At least, not as far as I can remember...

    Good story. I enjoyed it much more than an actual dental visit. ;) Rip roaring great twist.

  21. Thanks for the hilarious comments. You guys have made my day (weekend). I have a dental appt this week too...

  22. Eeewww. I'm scared enough of the dentist as it is...

  23. Holy Crap!

    I freaking hate going to the dentist, so I was totally with this guy... until um.. the X chromosome thing. hehe

    The ending was perfect. It totally blew me out of the water. I love the unexpected, and this was a really cool story :-)

  24. OMG - you have some imagination! I have always thought that if I needed any complicated dental work done, I would opt to have the offending tooth extracted. Now I am sure I would. Great story, Lily.

  25. OH, freakin' awesome this week, Lily!!! All that hilarity about Fiona teaching him how to breathe and then bam! You hit us with a jarring twist. Great writing. Loved loved loved it!


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